omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
