my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
