someone threw a dead crab at me
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I just forgot I was standing up.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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