this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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