I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
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