is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
