Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
