I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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