Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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