The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
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