my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
