my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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