You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
