so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Randomize
