I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
