I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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