im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
