Cold hands, warm shart.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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