I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
