Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
