Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
