he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
