Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
