i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
There's a naked man in my car right now.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Randomize
