cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
