Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
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