no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
