I want to walk on stilts...naked
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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