News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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