we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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