I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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