Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
