I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Randomize
