Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
