I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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