so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
