i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
