she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
