i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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