At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
