She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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