Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
