His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Damn victory sex feels great
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
