I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
