I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
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