I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
