I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
