Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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