I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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