just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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